I cannot help but always think of childbirth as the perfect example of suffering as a conduit to grace, and it is by design. That’s a fairly obvious example but it really is the beginning of a series of suffering, for both child and mother (so, literally everyone), suffering that is almost always matched or surpassed in joy. I appreciate this perspective on this topic in reference to therapy and children especially.
I just bought Hannah’s Children as a birthday gift for myself, and hope to join the ranks of women with more than five children in the coming years myself! The Mother Artist also sounds really good!
Yes, I totally agree! I love birth, in spite (because?) of the pain it entails. This is a topic I’m really diving into right now for a larger writing project, but I firmly believe that the female body - and, in particular, the experience of mothering - reveals powerful and deeply countercultural truths. One of those is definitely the way that willingly suffering for another expands your capacity to love, and to feel joy.
Read Troubled and enjoyed it. His voice feels important for the times we’re living in. In the middle of Family Unfriendly. Loving it. It honestly feels like reading paragraph after paragraph of my own thoughts!
A few months ago I finished reading aloud books 1-3 of HP with our big girls (ages 6 and 8)! I wanted to keep going but my husband put his foot down haha. So fun re-reading w your kids🥹🙌🏼 Also love book 3 but I remember loving 4 and 6 a lot too.
I’m honestly not loving the discourse around Abigail’s new book. Haven’t read it but hearing her talk about it something isn’t hitting me right. Like this part that you quoted in your article:
“For thousands of years, until the therapeutic turn in parenting, societies took it for granted that parents’ primary job was to transmit their values to their children…. Once parents decided the goal of child-rearing was emotional wellness, they effectively conceded that the actual authorities were therapists.”
I feel emotional wellness of my kids is the main goal of my parenting… it’s a value of mine, along with other values. (It isn’t emotional wellness or pass on your values; what a weird dichotomy to set up?). I look around and see that the majority of people are not self-aware and struggle in relationships (including the one w themselves). I don’t want this for my kids. I do not see therapists as the authorities in this area; I simply parent with my relationship with my kids as priority number one and as I work on myself I’m able to pass that onto them. I can get behind her central thesis but I guess I feel that her characterization of gentle/respectful parenting is wrong and harmful. As Marianne Williamson says, “There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children.” This is a big topic but wanted to share a few of my thoughts!
Totally agree about Family Unfriendly! I don’t think he’s said a single thing yet that I don’t agree with haha.
And even though I’m thinking I’m going to have the kids pause after book three, this is making me want to reread all of the rest of the HP books on my own! I think I only read 5-7 once each, and they’re a little hazy in my mind.
Re: Bad Therapy, the descriptions of her fellow parents/gentle parenting in general were my least favorite part; she seemed to totally miss the strong emphasis on setting boundaries for your kids. I agree that raising an emotionally healthy child can be a value. I do think that some parents make the child’s happiness the highest value, which backfires. But I see psychological wellness (while obviously a good in itself!) as a means to a higher, ultimately more important goal: of knowing, loving, and serving God. Psychological trauma or insecure attachment can make it more difficult to feel and trust in God’s love. Even though human beings still have the freedom to choose what is right and good, even when it doesn’t align with their emotions, I want to do everything I can to help my kids grow up to be integrated and whole, for their emotions and passions to be aligned with their reason and will - in short, to be virtuous. I see teaching them to acknowledge and understand their feelings (but then act in accordance with their values, as ACT puts it) to be a key part of that process.
Wow thank you for such a beautiful response. I do think that the way I grew up (as a sensitive kid whose parents valued productivity and achievement over relationship) absolutely influenced my spiritual life and made it harder to come to God. I've never actually connected the dots so directly there, that emotional wellness, while a good and healthy thing per se, helps us to be more easily able to rest in God's love, which is the most important thing. I do remember reading once that we project onto God the attributes of and experiences with our primary caregivers, fathers in particular. Deep stuff.
Anyway, I think I'll see if the library has her book!
I cannot help but always think of childbirth as the perfect example of suffering as a conduit to grace, and it is by design. That’s a fairly obvious example but it really is the beginning of a series of suffering, for both child and mother (so, literally everyone), suffering that is almost always matched or surpassed in joy. I appreciate this perspective on this topic in reference to therapy and children especially.
I just bought Hannah’s Children as a birthday gift for myself, and hope to join the ranks of women with more than five children in the coming years myself! The Mother Artist also sounds really good!
Also- team HP #3 is the best one over here too!
Yes, I totally agree! I love birth, in spite (because?) of the pain it entails. This is a topic I’m really diving into right now for a larger writing project, but I firmly believe that the female body - and, in particular, the experience of mothering - reveals powerful and deeply countercultural truths. One of those is definitely the way that willingly suffering for another expands your capacity to love, and to feel joy.
Read Troubled and enjoyed it. His voice feels important for the times we’re living in. In the middle of Family Unfriendly. Loving it. It honestly feels like reading paragraph after paragraph of my own thoughts!
A few months ago I finished reading aloud books 1-3 of HP with our big girls (ages 6 and 8)! I wanted to keep going but my husband put his foot down haha. So fun re-reading w your kids🥹🙌🏼 Also love book 3 but I remember loving 4 and 6 a lot too.
I’m honestly not loving the discourse around Abigail’s new book. Haven’t read it but hearing her talk about it something isn’t hitting me right. Like this part that you quoted in your article:
“For thousands of years, until the therapeutic turn in parenting, societies took it for granted that parents’ primary job was to transmit their values to their children…. Once parents decided the goal of child-rearing was emotional wellness, they effectively conceded that the actual authorities were therapists.”
I feel emotional wellness of my kids is the main goal of my parenting… it’s a value of mine, along with other values. (It isn’t emotional wellness or pass on your values; what a weird dichotomy to set up?). I look around and see that the majority of people are not self-aware and struggle in relationships (including the one w themselves). I don’t want this for my kids. I do not see therapists as the authorities in this area; I simply parent with my relationship with my kids as priority number one and as I work on myself I’m able to pass that onto them. I can get behind her central thesis but I guess I feel that her characterization of gentle/respectful parenting is wrong and harmful. As Marianne Williamson says, “There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children.” This is a big topic but wanted to share a few of my thoughts!
Totally agree about Family Unfriendly! I don’t think he’s said a single thing yet that I don’t agree with haha.
And even though I’m thinking I’m going to have the kids pause after book three, this is making me want to reread all of the rest of the HP books on my own! I think I only read 5-7 once each, and they’re a little hazy in my mind.
Re: Bad Therapy, the descriptions of her fellow parents/gentle parenting in general were my least favorite part; she seemed to totally miss the strong emphasis on setting boundaries for your kids. I agree that raising an emotionally healthy child can be a value. I do think that some parents make the child’s happiness the highest value, which backfires. But I see psychological wellness (while obviously a good in itself!) as a means to a higher, ultimately more important goal: of knowing, loving, and serving God. Psychological trauma or insecure attachment can make it more difficult to feel and trust in God’s love. Even though human beings still have the freedom to choose what is right and good, even when it doesn’t align with their emotions, I want to do everything I can to help my kids grow up to be integrated and whole, for their emotions and passions to be aligned with their reason and will - in short, to be virtuous. I see teaching them to acknowledge and understand their feelings (but then act in accordance with their values, as ACT puts it) to be a key part of that process.
Wow thank you for such a beautiful response. I do think that the way I grew up (as a sensitive kid whose parents valued productivity and achievement over relationship) absolutely influenced my spiritual life and made it harder to come to God. I've never actually connected the dots so directly there, that emotional wellness, while a good and healthy thing per se, helps us to be more easily able to rest in God's love, which is the most important thing. I do remember reading once that we project onto God the attributes of and experiences with our primary caregivers, fathers in particular. Deep stuff.
Anyway, I think I'll see if the library has her book!